We all have secrets

Twanna Henderson: Welcome to T Time: Spiritual Conversations For, With and About Women. I'm your host Twana Henderson and I want to remind you to like this podcast and also share it with anyone who you believe would be blessed by it. Well, today we have a podcast that is very different from any of our previous ones that we have brought to you. Over the past year, I've had the privilege of interviewing some pretty phenomenal guests, who have been varied in the messages that they have shared with you. Today, I want to share with you personally from a topic that is not often discussed, particularly in Christianum. So imagine that we're sitting in my den sipping on my hot tea, as I share with you on today. So let's begin. When I was growing up, if I had a secret, I knew that I could share it with my best friend or with a select group of trusted people. If you grew up like I did, your family probably had a secret or two as well, that was not to be shared with those outside the home. They were family secrets, which you've may have been told not to share, or you just understood that there was a family code about certain things. My family certainly had those secrets and those codes, but I want to share one that specifically pertains to me.

See, when I was a teenager, I got pregnant, by my boyfriend. It was the first time that I'd had sex. And like many teenagers, I knew absolutely nothing about sex. After discovering that I was pregnant, my biggest concern was how would I, or rather me and my boyfriend, share the news and break the news rather to my mother, who was sort of a pillar of the community. She was a leader in her church, a leader in her profession, and a leader in the community. My father had passed away about a year before I got pregnant, which, if I put myself in my own couch, counseling couch, I might dilute that my desire to look for love. I'll be it in the wrong place, was a direct result of losing the love of my father at such a young age. But nevertheless, I remember me and my boyfriend, who I will refer to as D, breaking the news to my mom. I don't know what I thought her reaction would be. But I recall her being more upset with him. And pretty much banning him from our home. As a teenager, I didn't fully understand that because he was he was trying to be responsible by going with me to tell her and, and he wasn't a bad person, just someone who had not behaved responsibly in this particular situation, and nor had I. But what happened next is what took my life into a mental tailspin that has taken years to try to come out of. After me and D shared the news with my mom. I don't recall there being any conversation about it at all. I don't think we used the term dysfunctional at that time. But that's exactly what it was. But what I do recall is my mom, her best friend, my sister, who is five years older than me, and myself driving to Atlanta, from Charlotte.

See, because I was so ignorant about my body and pregnancy and everything surrounding it. I had not had any prenatal care. And, and even so the concern by my mother was that something had to be done. And I was too far along in the pregnancy to handle the situation locally. So we had to drive to Atlanta to a hospital that would take care of it. I really don't know or recall how many weeks pregnant I was. I don't even know the name of the facility that we went to I just know that we handled the situation. I really had no idea as to what an abortion was, or what it entailed. The procedure which I conveniently allowed to become a blur in my mind's eye over the years, was likened to a living nightmare. Everything took place in this cold, sterile hospital like room. And I remember just laying there and just all kinds of thoughts going through my head and everything ended. We drove back the four hours to Charlotte, and no one said a word the entire time or thereafter. It was our secret. I finished high school. I went to college. I even earned an advanced degree. I married, I had a son and I lived a normal life, at least a thought.

And you may be thinking to yourself why revisit this after decades? Well, for me it's cathartic. It took years for me to understand that I experienced a trauma in my life. And as a result, it had an impact on every subsequent relationship in my life. Many people, including myself are masters at compartmentalizing aspects of their lies. I was able to tuck this part away and shelve another part way up high where no one can reach it. And in the meantime, my emotions were damaged, and my guilt was high. Even though I wasn't given an option about the decision that was made or even an understanding of what was happening, I still carried a lot of guilt. It wasn't until I finally accepted the forgiveness of God, that I was able to walk in total freedom. And then I read a scripture that confirmed that God could use me in spite of my mistakes. The Scripture is Romans chapter 11, verse 29, which sates, "For the gifts and calling of God are irrevocable." In other words, God doesn't change in his purposes of bestowing his gifts upon us. Whatever He has promised, he will fulfill. That was so liberating for me. Look, my intent is not to make a political statement, there are plenty of those. My intent though, is to recognize a segment of wounded people, women who need healing, and hope that comes from a loving Father.

Recently, I did something that was very therapeutic for me. I wrote a letter to my child who I believe was a girl. I told her that I loved her. That I missed her. That my life was impacted without her. It was freeing, it was healing. It was so so needed. The thing you may be listening to this and you are a post abortion individual. If so, I want to just pray for you. So that you don't have to carry around your secret anymore. Let's go to the Lord in prayer. Lord, I lift up to you women who have experienced post abortion. Whether it was when they were younger, or if it was a recent occurrence. I know that your grace is sufficient. So wrap your loving arms around them to give them healing in their broken places, and hope where there may be despair. Thank you for being a forgiving God and thank you for the ability that we have to walk in total freedom through you. He who the Son sets free, is free indeed. So Father, we glorify you, we magnify you and we love you. In the sweet name of Jesus I pray, amen. Thank you for joining me on T Time and until the next time, be blessed of the Lord.