Teaching a New Generation of Women Their Value

Twanna Henderson: Welcome to T Time: Spiritual Conversations For, With and About Women. I'm your host, Twanna Henderson. And as always, I want to remind you to like this broadcast and to definitely share it with someone in your life. Well, as we approach International Women's Day, I am so excited to share today's guests with you. Our guest is Nita Bukowski. Nita is a missionary in Albania, and she serves alongside her husband Ted. Nita is currently the country coordinator for MOPs, which is Mothers of Preschoolers in Albania. Her heart is for women to see who they are through God's eyes. She has a passion to nurture and develop the next generation of leaders. She also speaks from her own story of abuse and through the power and authority of the Holy Spirit, so that others may experience the truth and freedom that God has for them. Nita, welcome to T Time and thank you for chatting with me.

Nita Bukowski: Thank you for having me. It's good to have this time together.

Twanna Henderson: Absolutely and thank you for staying up. I mean, for those who aren't aware, there's a six hour difference between the United States and Albania or at least a part of the United States that I'm in. So thank you for that. I'm so honored to be able to share with you on today. And, also as I said, as we're celebrating and going into International Women's Day. But I want to jump right in, because there are several things that I want to really unload and unpack with you. And so the first question I have, which may be a loaded question, but who is Nita Bukowski?

Nita Bukowski: That is a loaded question, and you can take it from so many different directions. But honestly, I was a girl who, at one time in my life, was so lost and broken. And I see myself as that person who God just put all those pieces back together. And then put me in situations where, "Wow, look at how all those pieces came together and how it was exactly what I needed to be equipped with in order to do what I do." So, I am a mom. I am a grandma. I have been married for almost 50 years. We celebrate our 50th anniversary this year. Yeah, yeah.

Twanna Henderson: Oh wow. Congratulations.

Nita Bukowski: And that's a lot of stories in that one. But yes.

Twanna Henderson: Well, that is amazing. And yeah, I'm just looking forward to just kind of sharing more and hearing more about that. So, tell us how you ended up in Albania.

Nita Bukowski: I know. Of all places.

Twanna Henderson: Where is Albania? And how long have you been there?

Nita Bukowski: Yeah, I think that was one of my first questions. Where on the map is Albania? So my oldest daughter, Hannah, she and her husband at the time were missionaries in Belgium. And I was on staff at a local church. And they worked with an organization called Convoy of Hope International. And Convoy of Hope International went into Albania, outside of Tirana, and were doing our renovation project to help prepare a building to be able to be used for a church plant. And in that process, you know, she got to interact with the people in Albania and to be able to give me some ideas about what it was like for them. And, because of that story that she told me, I could not shake Albania. I was not planning on thinking about Albania. I was not planning on traveling internationally. But I could not let go of that story that she would share with me about the women that she saw, the oppression that they lived under. And so I started praying for Albania. And as I prayed for Albania, I just had such a strong sense of women under oppression there. I saw them under this cloud of darkness, and I kept praying for them. It was five years from the time I started praying for them until I went to Albania. And, like I said, it was not my plan. My daughter, everyone would smile and would say, "Mom, do you need to go to Albania?" No, no, I don't think so. I don't think so. So, it was not my plan to be a missionary, especially not at my age. And so I was taken by surprise.

Twanna Henderson: Now, how long have you been in Albania? How long have you been a missionary?

Nita Bukowski: This was our first missionary experience. And, in June, it will be 10 years.

Twanna Henderson: Oh my goodness.

Nita Bukowski: Yeah. Time flies. Oh, my goodness.

Twanna Henderson: So Albania, I know it's in Europe.

Nita Bukowski: Yes, it's in southern Europe, and it is right next to Greece. And then you have in the North Macedonia and Kosovo. It's in the Balkan countries there. So yeah, southeast Europe.

Twanna Henderson: Okay. Yeah, I know you mentioned just the oppression of women there. And for those who aren't aware, International Women's Day is a global day celebrating the social, economic, cultural and political achievements of women. And the day actually also marks a call to action for accelerating women's equality. In light of that, tell us about the ministry that you have with the women of Albania.

years. That fell in: 1991

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Nita Bukowski: Now, way, way back, this was a part of the country that Paul walked through. That was during Bible times. Yeah, there was faith, but it's been a long time for these girls to have ever known what it was like to have spiritual mentors. So, I played that role.

Twanna Henderson: You know, and that's a major role to play as an awesome, awesome role. Why Nita?

Nita Bukowski: Well, it's interesting because Albania is a shame-based culture. In a shame-based culture, what you're always trying to do is measure up, and in my own story, having been on the other side of a sexual abuse and verbal abuse, there was a lot of shame in my life. I lived under a pile of shame for so many years. And now coming here, it's so clear to me, "Oh, you are equipped for this. You have been completely equipped for this." Because I know what shame looks like. I know how it acts. I know the sound in the voice. I know the look on the face. And when you live under shame, there's a really, really good chance you're not even aware of the fact that that's what you're living under. It's so common for you. It's so normal for you. So for me, I have the privilege of coming alongside these girls, looking them in the eye, caring for them, seeing them, pouring into them, and helping them understand the value of who they are, how God sees them, and the value he has for them. And that's life changing.

Twanna Henderson: Now, you mentioned equipping them, what does that look like? Is that Bible study? What does that look like? The process of equipping them and helping them?

Nita Bukowski: You know, it's got so many different angles to it. So of course, there's the Bible study, so to speak, but it's more like life together. You're just spending a lot of time with them. And there are biblical things you want them to understand. But especially in a culture like Albania, before any of that's going to happen, you're going to build a lot of trust, a lot of relationships, a lot of trust. It was very interesting to me because the first couple years I was here, I met one-on-one with different women at different times and had conversations. And then God just moved on my heart. He said, "Now bring them together into a small group." And so I invited them to my home, and sitting around my living room. And I said, "You know, you don't know each other very much. You all know me. So I want you to just share how it is that you came to know me." And one by one, they would talk about this crazy American woman who is putting her heart on her sleeve and asking deep questions. And when she looks in your eyes, you know, she sees right into you. And they were laughing at each other, because it was like they echoed around the room the very same thought: "why does she think I would ever open up to her?" Because in our culture, if you show yourself, if you show any vulnerability, you are taking advantage of. You're used. They take what they find out about you and destroy you with it. And I came into it and I was not aware at all that this was their cultural norm. So, they watched me share openly with them. And then eventually their walls went down. And they, kind of a funny statement, they said, "So, what we finally figured out is that you want to help us." "Yeah, why wouldn't you think that?" "Well, in our culture Nita, if I show my weaknesses, if I show what I have need of, now you know that I am weak and you will use me. You will take advantage of me." So yeah, it's definitely discipleship. But it's a lot of time. A lot of time one on one, as well as in groups and just sharing my heart, walking with them enough for them to see who they are, their strengths, and to encourage them in those strengths and to help them kind of mirror back to them. "Do you see who you are? Do you see how God used you right there? Do you see how he's developed you?" And it's like a flower that's opening up, blooming because it has enough sunshine and rain.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. So, what does a typical day look like in Albania? What does that look like?

Nita Bukowski: So, I don't know if it's any two days that are the same. Because you're always interacting with women and picking up on who they are and what they need, because every person is different. So I designed material actually to help them understand their identity in Christ, their value. And with one person, you know, I might meet with them and go right through it. But, generally, you start working through something, and then there's a pause point. Because this particular part. I can just sense you're not catching it, or you're not understanding it or you're not seeing it. And so, by every week, if you looked at my calendar, every week is a list of names. I need to meet with this one on this day and this one on this day and this one on this day. And then sometimes we're together as groups talking. But it's not like there is. What is an average day like? You're going to the market in the morning for fresh food, because you are buying every day. And you're out with people having coffee. Coffee is like a national pastime. it doesn't necessarily mean you like coffee or not. It's a phrase. "We should have a coffee. Let's have a coffee."

Twanna Henderson: Like a coke?

Nita Bukowski: Yeah. "Let's have a coffee together." Yeah. And that's how you get to know people and you build relationships. And that's just what you're always doing. And then they take it different ways.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. Have you found that there are similarities between Albanian women and American women?

Nita Bukowski: Yes and no. You know, all women have these common bonds, especially when you're talking about motherhood. And, you can talk to a mom in Albania, and she'll be, you know, frustrated with certain aspects of raising your children. And you can laugh and share the same stories from American moms. But in some ways, coming to Albania was like going back in time. Because to me, it felt like I was going back in time and, as an American woman, it reminded me of in American culture, how there was a time when women were first testing the waters, "We're going to have careers. We're going to get out there. We're going to talk to people." And then they did in very bold ways. But the expectation was that they still would be the person that is at home and takes care of the house and takes care of the kids and takes care of everything else. So on the one hand, they were experiencing more freedom. But on the other hand, they were still expected to carry all of the home responsibilities. And that's very much what Albanian women are expected to be: perfect. To have a perfect house, perfect children. Everything has to be in place and always looking perfect. So they may mop their floors three or four times today.

Twanna Henderson: Oh, my goodness.

Nita Bukowski: And I said, "If you had any idea how often an American woman mops our floor, I think you would probably think that we were disgusting people or something."

Twanna Henderson: Absolutely.

Nita Bukowski: Like why would I do that? Why would I spend the time doing that?

Twanna Henderson: Oh, my goodness. So, now I know you mentioned kind of living with having experience living under shame. And I want to dig a little deeper. Can you share some of the greatest challenges that you've had to face?

Nita Bukowski: Living in Albania?

Twanna Henderson: Just in general. Leading up to Albania or even in Albania.

Nita Bukowski: I think one of the greatest personal challenges that I've faced is that I'm very aware of the fact that there was a former version of me. It was kind of funny. I called her "grovel girl." That was my old identity when I lived under shame.

Twanna Henderson: Where did that name come from? How did you get that name?

Nita Bukowski: Because it was very interesting. When I first shared my story, which I had sat on for a horrible amount of years, God showed me a picture of myself. He said, "Nita, every time you came into my presence, you came dressed in rags with a collar around your neck and a leash hanging from your collar." Take me. Use me. I just want to know that I'm loved. It can make me feel teary just saying it because it was so so real. And I realized that very, very broken version of me was what I called "grovel girl." I just was like a beggar even though I was a believer. And this is why I'm so convinced that it's important for women to understand what God says about who they are. Because you can cross that line of faith, and you can experience salvation, and you can really be so excited to know Jesus. But until you allow him into all those dark corners where lies have held you captive, then you will always live under that old identity's rules. So my challenge always, is to keep walking into freedom, because it's not a one time deal. 

Twanna Henderson: Oh, yeah.

Nita Bukowski: You're constantly navigating that. And then, as I'm walking with these women in Albania, and I am helping them understand that same truth. That, yes, there was definitely a time you came to faith. And that is a wonderful, wonderful thing. But there's more freedom and more freedom and more freedom as you realize just who you are and how God has called you and wants to use you to change your world. Because I'm not Albanian, and I will never be. So what I'm doing is pouring into them, so that they are empowered with the power of God to change their world. Because that is really what will make the difference.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah, absolutely. What have you seen as some of their greatest needs? I'm sure there are many. But what are some of the greatest needs that they have?

Nita Bukowski: I think honestly, and this is where Albanian women, American women, women around the world, I think we all have a very deep need to be seen and known. And when you create a place that is safe for women, this is when the Holy Spirit can come in, and really, really do powerful, powerful things. And I don't think that this is something that even most women, if you ask them face to face, "what is your greatest need?" They would probably, in Albanian culture especially, they would probably tell you the needs of their family or their children.

Twanna Henderson: We have women here, too. I mean, because I think that's just how we're wired. I think we're wired like that. I mean, we are caretakers. We take care of our families. We take care of our spouses. We take care of everybody, and so I think we're very similar in that way. Because we all kind of have that DNA to kind of look to make sure that everybody is okay before looking to see that we're okay.

Nita Bukowski: We're last on the list. And so I think my experience here has been that when you give women a safe place where they can be seen and known, this is when they can start to see their own beauty. They can actually start to unpack their own stories, and they can actually experience the freedom that God wants them to walk in. And it's definitely a gradual process. But I think that's what they long for the most is: to be seen and known in really deep ways.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah, that is so important. And you know, just to be a missionary is a special calling. I know God did not call me to it. But I'm in support of you.

Nita Bukowski: I didn't think he had called me to that. I was pretty sure he hadn't but...

Twanna Henderson: But what do you love most about what you're doing in Albania?

Nita Bukowski: What I love most, hands down no questions. What I love most is seeing life change. So when you know stories, when you know the stories of the girls that I walk with here and I've gotten to know and some of them call me their American mom. And I see where they were two or three years ago, and where they are now. And there was a situation and I just looked at one of the girls one time, and I said, "Freedom just looks so good on you." You just see them open up and coming alive. One of the greatest needs of Albanians is to have hope. There's so many people, if you ask young people especially, "what do you want to do?" It would be to be somewhere else. They don't want to be in this country.

Twanna Henderson: Wow.

Nita Bukowski: They don't have, they don't have hope for their future. And so, when you give people an opportunity to experience life change, and that's the deal with God. You know, we think what needs to change is I need to be somewhere else. I need to have a different job. I need to have a different relationship. And actually, it's that he wants to come in and change us from the inside out. And now what you thought you needed, wasn't really it. What you needed was hope that comes from Jesus, and you needed life and freedom that only God can give you. And when you can see that happening in people, there's just nothing like that. It's worth every tear you shed, every frustration you face, every hardship, to see women walking in freedom and becoming who they're supposed to be. And knowing that you're really just seeing the edge of it. You know, you're not even seeing all of it yet.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah, I know, you mentioned that you have children and grandchildren and I'm assuming that they're in the States.

Nita Bukowski: Well, some. You know, we have one daughter who lives in Israel and one daughter lives in Minneapolis.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. Okay. How long in Albania?

Nita Bukowski: How long have I been in Albania or how long are you going to be?

Twanna Henderson: How long are you going to be? I mean, how long?

Nita Bukowski: When people say, "So, when do you think you're gonna go back to the States?" I say, "When God tells me to go." Because I'm only here because he told me to come here. And when I came to Albania, I didn't know anything about Albanian culture. I didn't know anything about where it was at on the map, or what I was stepping into. I didn't know any of that. So, the only way I will leave it is when God says, "Okay, we're done here."

Twanna Henderson: Let me ask you this before I forget. So what does Ted think? Did you just say, "Hey, Ted, we're going to Albania?"

Nita Bukowski: That's a crazy, crazy story, actually and a little longer than we probably have time for. But, when I first came to Albania, Ted and I were actually separated.

Twanna Henderson: Oh, wow.

Nita Bukowski: When I went through deep, deep healing from all that had been locked up inside of me, it was like I became a completely different person. And there's lots of details that go with that. But it kind of flipped our marriage upside down for a while. And I, at one point, I was ready to just give it up and say, "I'm done." And, God was like, "No, you're not done." And so when I came to Albania, I knew that God was taking Ted and I separately through a healing process and that he was going to bring us back together. Ted actually is involved in a music ministry here in Albania, Selah Worship and Arts. And they are raising up the next generation of worshipers here. Because again, a country that was under a communist dictatorship, people who knew nothing about the one true God and now, to understand what worship really is, they have a powerful ministry here changing people's understanding of worship. He's a percussionist.

Twanna Henderson: Oh, okay.

Nita Bukowski: Yeah.

Twanna Henderson: You know, I think there's a book in you, Nita. There's a lot of stuff that you're not saying or we don't have time to say, but there's a lot of stuff there. So, I hope that you're journaling some things or writing some stuff down, because I can really see a book. It sounds like there's a lot of stuff that you could really, really unpack.

Nita Bukowski: It's been quite the journey, that's for sure.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. Well, as we recognize International Women's Day, this has been so good. Will you just take a moment before we close and really pray for the needs of women everywhere, and mostly that they will see who they are through the eyes of God?

Nita Bukowski: Amen. Sure. So Father, we just thank you that you see all of our hearts and lives. And we are messy and complicated and amazing and beautiful. And God, I just pray that you would bring about encouragement and strength and relationships that help women understand who they are, how you see them and the value you have for them. If they are feeling discouraged, that they would feel your spirit of encouragement coming to let them know that you love them, you see them, you value them. Even in our worst moments, God, you look at us, and you see who we were called to be. And I thank you for every woman who is alive and breathing, because that tells us that there's a purpose for them, that you have things for them, and that you want them all to know that they have value in your eyes no matter what has happened to them. No matter what their story is, no matter what their circumstances are God, you see them and you value them. And I just pray, in the name of Jesus, that they come to understand that as well. Amen.

Twanna Henderson: Amen. Well, Nita, thank you so much for staying up to chat with me.

Nita Bukowski: Thank you for the opportunity. This has been fun.

Twanna Henderson: Yes. And then just for your sacrifice and your ministry again. I feel like we could sit and have coffee.

Nita Bukowski: We should have a coffee.

Twanna Henderson: You could share some stories. But yeah, that book I think is in you, so I'm looking forward to how God uses you. But thank you so much to all of our listeners. Thank you for joining us today. I'm Twanna Henderson. Be blessed of the Lord.